Temptation

..

whenever I get the urge to write.
whenever I get the feeling that I ought to sit through and spill out my feelings to the paper (or computer, as it were)...
The only thing I can scrounge up from these feelings.....is him.

I can hear people getting sick of it, and I try to stop, but it's an impulse.
Honestly, he's one of the most important things in my life right now.
Sure, there are other things that are important. My well-being, my plans, my other friends. And he probably doesn't really top the list of things that are important to me, but he's on the list.

I don't know....

I was talking to him the other night and he's worried.
Worried because she's off of her anti-depressants, and that's cause for worry enough as it is. But he's also worried in a way that I identify so hugely with that it's not even funny. He said to me: "what if she...decides she hates me or wants to break up because of them not being in her system, she is bing patient for now, but I don't want it running out on me.Which I feel bad for because that is a very self centered thought"
I cannot begin to explain to you how me-like that thought is right there. But it really truly is.
I'm sure that that won't happen. Anti-depressants don't have that dramatic of an effect, I would think. But who knows.
This sent a wave of inner turmoil through me....
On one hand: I don't want to see him hurt, because I love him. And seeing someone you love hurt is a terrible pain. And if anything does happen I'll feel bad because he'll be hurt, and badly.
On the other hand: Wouldn't that sort of/kind of work out in my favor?
I run those thoughts through my head and come up with another worry. If it does happen, what if it DOESN't work out in my favor.
I told him I'm here for him. And I am, always and honestly, I will be here for him if he needs me.
But I feel bad about even saying that because it is partly for very selfish reasons. (I told you it was me like.) It's selfish because I told him that partly because I want him to know that it's me he should come to. I don't want to lose him at all, and I have a feeling that there are others who would try to have him for their own (that could be just my brain being paranoid. But.....) I want to be there for him because he's my friend, and I want to comfort him and I want to make sure he's okay. But I also want to be there for him in more than just that way. If anything like that happens....I feel selfish for saying that I want to be next. I don't want to be his rebound or anything, I just want to be his. And in case you were wondering, yes, I'm willing to wait in that case.

But once again. I doubt that what he's worried about will happen.

In other and less depressing (but equally confusing) news. I'm actually beginning to realise that we may as well be dating as it were. We just don't have the title. (Or I don't. I don't know what he thinks...I still don't know exactly what he considers me to him, which is what bothers me the most) but if someone who knew neither of us at all, but saw for a day how he and I act and talk together when we're alone (and even sometimes when we're with the guys and everything) they would most likely think we are dating.
And this is only confusing BECAUSE I don't know who he considers me at all.

I was told I should show that entire last entry to him. And oddly, I'd thought about it.
but I'm still afraid of the outcome. I spend a lot of my time afraid of the outcome of things of this nature. It's nervewracking.

I'm in a very strange mood tonight.
a mood that I don't know if I can explain to any of my friends without stumbling over how to put it or being hit. And it's not that I want to keep it from anyone, it's just that I generally don't know if they'd understand at all.

I'm very cold.
And I feel as though there's someone keeping tabs on me. But most importantly, I just want someone to be here that I can curl up with and not have to worry and be warm. I know exactly who it is I want to be here. My blanket smells like him...like his room..it's intoxicating...I can't begin to properly explain this smell...the closest I've gotten is still so far away...But there's something in it that just makes it home.
I don't even live there. But when I got back here, I didn't think "I'm HOME" until I got there, to his room, and burried my face in his pillow. Then I said it. I actually said it out loud into the pillow. "Oh Thank God. I'm Home." and that's how I feel every time I go there. Every time when he crawls into bed and his scent just surrounds me. I feel at home. And safe. And most importantly, warm. I cling to him and all I can think is "I love this feeling." it's a secure and very...I don't even know feeling. Not in a perverted way, but just the feeling of his body pressed against mine like that. The feeling of him solidly and actually there in my arms or with his arms around me. The steady feel of his breath, the beat of his heart, the warmth of his skin next to me....
I don't deny anymore that I'm in love with him. I did in the beginning. But I feel bad that I am. He knows...that I love him. I doubt whether he knows the depths to which I do. It's such an almost forbidden thing. One of the things I fear most anymore is this affair ending. A sudden cut-off from all of the feelings above, and more. I piss people off because he's all I ever talk about. But he's all that I can even think to talk about, to be honest. And I worry so much that I just plain and simply have to talk through it in order not to drive myself mad. "Am I the only one that he's doing all of this with?" "Does he every worry about me like he worries about her?" "Does he think about me like I'm thinking about him?" "Is he afraid that this will end sooner than it ought to?" These thoughts keep me up at night because they nag inside my brain with all the possible different answers, good or bad, they swirl around and make me dizzy.
And even if I'm stressed out or lock myself on to one or more of the bad answers? The second I SEE him, all the bad goes away. He looks at me "Hey babe." and it just melts off. A single touch and I'm on fire and there's no bad in the world. But sometimes just after some things, I just want to cry. I want to cry and I don't understand why I do.
That's a lie.
Yes I do.
It's because this is as much of him as I can have. At least for right now. He's completely hers, and I'm reminded of that constantly. He goes on "she is amazing" rampages. And he tells me all of this and I can do nothing but sit there and smile and nod, and politely excuse myself to run outside and die. That's where the What-if's come in. "What-if...he'll never love me as much as he loves her. What-if...this is all of him I can EVER have. What-if...he never knows how much he actually means to me?"
Because he means the world to me.
He is not my world. But he means the world to me. "But what do I mean to him? Am I just a fuck buddy? or am I..." am I what? What do I want to be? What could I possibly be to him? I want so badly to believe I'm more than just his fuck-buddy. And I know that I'm not. But my brain runs away with these things.
I know he does love me. I know because he tells me.
and that sounds so stupid teenager in the sense that guys say that all the time to get laid.
but he says it even if he knows he's not going to get laid. He said it so softly and tenderly, and always at the perfect moment. He's good at that...the perfect moment. He says it with a look in his eyes that can't be faked. He says it just to say it, and not expecting anything in return. And he's always so gentle when he says it. It's unnerving to see him that vulnerable. Because he's like a hero to me. Not quite as pathetic as "Superman, come save me." but he's strong. Mentally and physically...in a way that I could never be. He's there for me at times when I need him...without me having to ever have told him I did or would...and he understands. He's there to protect me from people and things that I would otherwise be forced to surrender to because I would have lost the dominance fight. But most of all he understands....
But if he understands so much, why can't I just tell him all of this? All that I feel, all that I wonder, all that I worry about? I know he understands. But I somehow don't know if he'd understand this. The last thing I want is to be overbearing. To cross a line that I'm not sure exists and make him uncomfortable and thus make him want to leave and end this. So I sit here in the middle of the night and write it all out...just so I can get it out of my system...

Welll then. 
my forty jillionth livejournal goes off without a hitch. *dances*